How to Enhance Your Resume Using the Chinese Zodiak

According to traditional Chinese legend, 1980 is the year of the Monkey.  So I'm asking myself, what does this mean and why would anyone believe in such nonsense?  Modern science has absolutely nothing to say about this.  In fact, when questioned about the connection between arbitrary and sometimes imaginary animals and calender years, even the least best scientist, geographers, laughed awkwardly at such a notion.

As fascinating as geographers are, the lights in the GIS lab made me feel ill.  I found some Asian accounting students on my way to a water fountain.  What was I thinking asking them about anything unrelated to math and cute toys.  My tinnitus simultaneously increased and decreased an octave while listening to Asian students talk about something relevant.

But enough with the origins and meaning of this nonsense.  Connections, science, Asian students aside, what is needed now is relevance.  How can anyone actually benefit from this trash?
I examined the contents of each animal's characteristics and determined that my animal sign would look quite remarkable on a resume.

Summary

Motivated individual with strong work ethic.  Able to collaborate with a team or work independently.  Clever and skillful to the point of genius.  Formal training in Microsoft Windows and Office environments, A+ and Microsoft Certified Professional (MCP) credentials.  Practical and given to detail, generally have a low opinion of others.  Prior work and academic experience abroad.  Volunteer experience and linguistic abilities an asset. Best relationships with dragon, rat, and ram.

This seems risky but there is risk involved in anything we do, or don't do.  I would lie but in this case lying would be believable, and that doesn't really satisfy me or a potential employer.  I found most of this information on a disposable place mat, but these characteristics do actually describe my work place skills accurately.  I certainly am clever, and I don't like other people that much.  I also would prefer not being in the company of tigers.  Sure, dragons breathe fire, rats are small, and rams taste better than rats, but tigers use their claws to climb trees, which I find useful to evade nearby tigers.

My logic is undeniable.  This should improve my life by magnitudes of power.  Let the test begin.