How to Start Smoking and How It Could Benefit Your Life

At some point in your life, you must have wondered why people choose to smoke.  We certainly may think of smokers as wretched, filthy, foul smelling cannibals, as I do, however we often fail to recognise the numerous benefits of cigarette smoking.  If you smoke, you may have wondered why you started smoking, why you still smoke, why others do or don’t smoke, or how to stop.  If you’ve smoked before but quit, what made you do it?  If you’ve never smoked before, but you’d like to start, who can you trust to help you start smoking successfully and responsibly?  These are all questions that, like neutrinos and gamma radiation, cannot stop penetrating my thick exoskeleton every single second of my confusing life.  I'm pretty much sold on the non-smoking movement, but are non-smokers missing out?  Studies show they probably are, and the outlook is especially bleak for committed non-smokers.

Cigarette smoking may have been appealing back before tobacco companies went multi-national and gained brand loyalty the easy way; that is, through explicit advertising of their product to anyone with a soul and lung capacity to boot; through brand recognition using playful images that remind us of inhaling something other than regular air; and through the use of price fixing in the sweet spot somewhere between a family pack of frozen dinners and a small case of beer, so either way you’re not sacrificing your family, right? Since those days however, tobacco companies earn little revenue from tobacco sales, which is why they long ago made a strategic move to buy up the companies that make all the other things those that live in the western world are addicted to. Things like Mach 3 razors, sliced cheese, ‘AA’ batteries, salty snacks, and birth control.  If you need to buy it every two weeks, you bet it’s owned by a cigarette company.

Now that the North American public has decidedly made this a non-smoking continent, cigarette companies have gone abroad to find new markets and left this part of the world a smoke-free wasteland.  They maintain a corporate presence here in various places, employing a few hundred people to smoke at designated smoking areas around cities while mentally consuming other trendy, logo-friendly items, as well as before and during marathons as a form of competitive psychological operations.

With the rise of social media, people are losing the ability to be effective communicators.  This is especially true of non-smokers.  Those who smoke have never lost this ability.  They’re forced outside in the cold to enjoy a cigarette and engage with fellow smokers who have also been forced outside away from the healthy facade of a non-smoking environment full of alcohol, food made in boiling oil, and silent people on their glowing smart phones.  This is where smoking ceases to be a liability.  For some it is indeed an asset.

There are several reasons why a smoker will generally continue to smoke.  I will detail several of them.

• The first reason is 'addiction'.  This is what people will say when they don't know what else to say. Somehow they feel by saying they’re addicted, personal responsibility is cast aside and the cigarette corporations must bear the burden.  This begs the question, who is responsible?  Never mind this for now.  The important thing to remember is that only selfish people will be a ‘dumb’ smoker and become addicted.

• The second reason is 'convenience', and this is why clever people smoke.  It gives them the opportunity to be somewhere other than their present location, at their leisure.  The problem with this reason is that it only takes into consideration their own selfish needs; there is not necessarily a social aspect involved.  It is easy for this type of smoker to become a ‘dumb’ smoker.  Since we are always in our own company, it is much easier to smoke alone than it is to smoke with a friend.  Avoid becoming this kind of smoker by never carrying your pack of cigarettes with you.  Keep a couple of emergency cigarettes at work in a bottle of ibuprofen.  When you need to make your exit it is absolutely socially acceptable and within reason to say that you are going for a cigarette, even while someone is mid-sentence.  When people say to you, “I didn’t know you smoked,” tell them you don’t and leave quickly.

• The third reason is 'strategy', and this is the reason why the most sagacious of all people choose to smoke.  They’re doing it for the social advantage that they long ago recognised gives them some sort of competitive edge over being strictly a non-smoker.  As such, these types of smokers are calculating and ruthless; they have a plan and stick to it.

Almost like clockwork, the strategic type of smoker is able to think about smoking when they realise it would provide some sort of immediate advantage or positive outcome. When a strategic smoker notices someone they’re attracted to may also be attracted to them, and they wish to interact with them elsewhere, possibly away from noise, distractions, or WiFi, they pop a cigarette in their mouth and head for the door, making sure to make eye contact with their target on the way out.  Eye flutter ensures the message is clear.  These people are also able to avoid smoking when it is not necessary, such as when they are stressed out, bored, or having a drink at home (all hallmarks of a 'dumb' smoker).  This type of smoker will -never- smoke alone, and cigarettes disappear from their pack usually in PAIRS; this is crucial to remember.  When this person finds an odd number of cigarettes in the 20 pack they bought, they recognise a problem and promptly punish themselves with a 10k run, unless of course they remember sharing a single cigarette with a friend, which is bonus points and also grounds for a negative 5k run (snack + nap).

The risks that accompany this type of clever, strategic smoker are low to medium.  In some situations, this kind of smoker will attempt to lure someone to them, and that person may adhere strictly to a non-smoking lifestyle.  This is the problem of the luree, as they fail to realise that someone smoking a cigarette alone to get their attention is not a good indicator of a poor lifestyle choice, this individual may simply be trying to make initial contact.  As a result, this also becomes the problem of the lurer, but from a cost-benefit standpoint, it may be avoiding trouble in the future, as someone who adheres to an unwavering non-smoking policy may also have other policies they adhere to that do not warrant adherence.  Over time, everyone will become more aware of strategic smokers, and will seek clarification before simply dismissing the whole idea.

Being a strategic smoker is not always easy, but it is possible to only smoke a couple of packs a year of premium quality tobacco.  Spend the most you can if you’re going to invest in a few packs of cigarettes every year.  People will recognise your good taste and treat you accordingly.  It is important though to not give too many away, so avoid carrying a full pack with you.  Purchase a nice metal cigarette case and keep a few sticks in it.  Keep your strategic smoking habit to social situations only.  DO NOT by any means smoke alone, unless you are anticipating a social situation to arise as a result of your smoking.  If said situation does not occur, reevaluate, as you now smell like smoke and this turns many people off.  Wash your hands well and find some celery, mint, or parsley to munch on as this is always possible at a house party.  Gum only masks the smell of your mouth while your clothes still smell terrible.  It's best to just learn to assess the situation beforehand and avoid having this happen.

If you find yourself having urges to smoke in any situation, just remember that smoking alone is not part of the plan, and could end in you being a full time smoker.  In a worst case scenario, hand over your cigarettes to a friend or roommate and cease all activities related to cigarettes.  Start running increasingly longer distances to train your lungs to send a vomit signal to your brain after long runs.  Punish yourself, you will be thankful later.  Remember, the goal is to enhance your social life, not to give in to selfish urges.

It's good to smoke.